Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

A Blurb



Angels and demons have been in a war for thousands of years, waged in the skies above a neutral human kingdom. Few remember what started the war, but it continues through racial hatred and continued wartime atrocities committed by both parties. Demons and angels both seek the favour of the lesser human beings in order to gain a small strategic edge, but time and time again wise kings, or wise advisors have turned them down, maintaining an uneasy equality in their kingdoms.

Yethzer is a member of the Demonguard, an order of demons equal to great generals when not protecting their king in battle. One day, on a routine training reconnaissance mission he and his young flock are attacked by a group vastly different from any they have encountered before. They are attacked by a flock of demons supported by an angel choir, an impossibility due to the strong inherited hatred in every single member of both races. Yethzer alone escapes and takes his story to the humans, sure that mind control magic is a good reason for the humans to finally side with demonkind. He is thwarted however and the human king is forced to send him on a mission to uncover the truth.

Yethzer must travel with a young human spellcaster and an angel swordsman in order to prove his case. Along the way they must fight mutual enmity as well as the forces which attempt to stop their quest for the truth and for a way to fight a greater enemy then has been seen in 3000 years.
I thought a blurb might be useful, something to show to people to get them interested in the novel, because the first chapter is not my best by any stretch of the imagination. It any of you have any suggestions on what to add to this just tell me.

Also a poll for this novel [link]

Casting Runesongs


Chapter 1 - Betrayal
Chapter 2 - Diplomacy
Chapter 3 - Companions
Chapter 4 - Walking South
Chapter 5 - Forest
Chapter 6 - Inn
Chapter 7 - Bandits
Chapter 8 - Puppies
Chapter 9 - Wyvern
Chapter 10 - First Date
Chapter 11 - Information
Chapter 12 - Shovel

I will not be posting any more of the novel on dA, but if you are interested let me know and I can contact you personally when I publish my novel. And please vote on this poll so I can collect numbers. [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmystichuntress:
I have not read any of the other chapters, but the blurb sounds interesting and I intend to do so in the future.

I'm addicted to the fantasy genre, so I tend to get picky.
The general storyline itself is fairly cliched - there are already many stories out there about wars between angels and demons. Take the "Fallen" novels by Lauren Kate, which kind of fall into the dark romance category.
It is not uncommon to find quests in such stories, and I feel as if your story may take the traditional path of most fantasy quests: the land is threatened, the king sends a group of Champions to save the land, they succeed and are made into heroes.
Interesting though. You mention that the demons and angels hate each other. Yethzer is a demon and he is forced to work with an angel swordsman. I'm interested in finding out how that works.

The only advice I have for you is to work hard. World-building and slowly uncovering the history is important in maintaining the readers' interest. So is, unsurprisingly, character development. I find that in general, fantasy characters are quite flat as development has been sacrificed for a better plot.

To set your story apart from others that are similar, develop your characters. Give them life. What are their hobbies, interests, mannerisms? What was it like for them, growing up, and is there a particular reason why they behave in such a way?
This quest is a life-changing quest and as such, your characters should change through the course of the story. And if they don't change, you should provide a reason why.

I would love to have you publish your story and I would get a copy, but I don't have money haha.

Not sure if this helped or not...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmerrak:
I haven't read the other chapters yet, but since the blurb is supposed to entire new readers, I thought I'd leave you the perspective of someone who fits that criteria.

The blurb sounds interesting. I like the direction Para 2 and Para 3 take it, and I think you've done a good job building up some mystery.

I think you could tighten the last two paragraphs quite a bit. Ideally, your blurb should fall between 100 - 200 words. (200 is the maximum allowed for Amazon listings). Your word count is over 250, so it would be good to trim some things.

I don't think you need "by a group vastly different from any they have encountered before", since you're giving us that information in the next sentence. I think you can delete that entirely, then you only use the word "attacked" once.

Further down, how does mind control magic fall into the incident that just happened? I think you can just stop at "takes his story to the humans.", and maybe expand a little on why the king is forced to send him on a mission. Is it a test? Is something needed? etc. See three paragraphs down for a continuation of this point.

Para 3 looks good. I think you meant "that hasn't been seen in 3000 years?"

Frankly, I don't think paragraph 1 is needed at all. Like the other person mentioned above, the general idea of angels vs demons isn't new. The story seems to be about Yethzer, so why not start with him? His story is what is unique, anyway.

I think you can drop "due to the strong inherited hatred in every single member", and work in the war there. Perhaps, something like "due to that they have been at war for thousands of years". The second part of Para 1 could be worked into Para 2. If you drop the part of mind control magic, and work in its place that the demons want the small strategic edge there, I think you'll not only get your wordcount under 200, but it can also make more sense why the king is "forced" to send Yethzer on a mission.

Hope this is helpful! If I missed any marks, let me know. Like I said earlier, I wanted to give you the impression from someone who hasn't read the rest yet - since this is who the blurb is written for.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconvedabitsaha:
vedabitsaha Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Whoa!!
I'll take my time and read through these chapters sometime!
Good luck with being published! The story seems rather interesting! It reeks of awesome fantasy! WOW!
And let me know when you publish it! Here's my email! vedabitsaha@gmail.com
:)
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad you like it, I'm sorry there's been such a delay in getting it published.
Reply
:iconvedabitsaha:
vedabitsaha Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Let me know when it's done! ^.^
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I will.
Reply
:iconvedabitsaha:
vedabitsaha Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks! :D
Reply
:iconprehnite:
Prehnite Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012   General Artist
It sounds pretty interesting. I think this is a good plubicity move
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad you like it.
Reply
:iconlucidcece:
lucidcece Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the detail you put into your work.
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconlucidcece:
lucidcece Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No prob. Ur works amazing. Is ur whole story on ur page yet
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No as it says in the artist comment I have stopped posting them online so I can edit and then self publish.
Reply
:iconlucidcece:
lucidcece Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Okay. I can't wait for it to be published
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yay :)
Reply
:iconrakaribellaxeclipse:
RakaribellaxEclipse Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012
This sounds really good Omi. How far are you off finishing? Keep it up k.
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think I have about a quarter of the novel left to go, I should finish it by the end of the month or soon after.
Reply
:iconwolfmister:
wolfmister Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student Writer
i like the blurb but regretfully i dont have the time to read the whole thing(plan to do so after i make my own story longer)

the blurb makes this story something that i would love to read :D
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad you like. There is only ever going to be these 13 chapters online. Until I finish the story, edit it and publish it. But if you like what you read let me know and I will put you on the contact list for when it is published.
Reply
:iconwolfmister:
wolfmister Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student Writer
i dont have any money now but i might when you publish

btw dont be shy when posting on my story i want both sides of feedback if theres anything negative tell me if its positive tell me then too plz
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't have much time to read at the moment, but I'll give it a look.
Reply
:iconwolfmister:
wolfmister Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student Writer
its not big yet but eventualy it will span 200 yrs or more so it will eventualy be big enough for several books
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ok, I'll have a look.
Reply
:iconwolfmister:
wolfmister Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student Writer
thx

hope you like it
Reply
:iconscurron:
Scurron Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I love it; it is an awesome piece of work! Thank you for contributing this! You should do more of this!
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am at the moment, I stopped posting it because when I finish (which should be soon) I've got to go back and edit some parts. Then I plan to publish it, as an ebook at least.
Reply
:iconscurron:
Scurron Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student General Artist
Yeah, I understand.
I wish you all the luck with your novel!
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, if you would like I can let you know when it is published.
Reply
:iconscurron:
Scurron Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student General Artist
Yes, if you want, you can send me a link on the group or my profile page; I highly respect every writer who has brought a book till the finishing line (I've had to say that) :)
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well if all goes well it will be before the end of the year.
Reply
:iconscurron:
Scurron Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student General Artist
I'll be waiting for it :)
Reply
:iconscurron:
Scurron Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Student General Artist
sorry for the "this's" but it is really good
Reply
:icontarantulaldamn:
TarantulaLdAmn Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Caught my interest in one go. :D
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you like it. And thank you for letting me know. If you want I could keep you on a contact list for when this is finished and published.
Reply
:icontarantulaldamn:
TarantulaLdAmn Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. ^^
And that would be nice! :) If you need my e-mail, please tell me and I'll note you. :giggle:
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No, I'll just copy usernames and note people.
Reply
:icontarantulaldamn:
TarantulaLdAmn Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
OK. :aww:
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your support.
Reply
:icontarantulaldamn:
TarantulaLdAmn Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries. :aww:
Reply
:iconkishokisho:
KishoKisho Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aah, literature, I'm pretty brutal when it comes to literature, nya~ Sorry, can't help it, I have to be brutal with writing to improve, myself, nya~ xP

Like you said, the blurb's nothing special, nya~ Introduces a story that seems pretty interesting, nya, although the ideas aren't too unique or eye-catching, nya~
But, I am interested in the novel, nya~ So maybe the blurb should get 100/100, since it did its job perfectly and I want to read the novel now, nya~ xD
I'll bookmark this and see about reading a few chapters sometime, maybe even the whole thing, nya~ >v<b
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You showed some interest in my novel in mid April, since then I have stopped posting new chapters online. However if you are still interested let me know and I can contact you personally when I publish my novel.
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well I'm glad it did its job, it was a long shot but I always want to try and get new readers, I'm glad this attempt worked. :)
Reply
:iconkishokisho:
KishoKisho Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ehehe, lots of things in writing are long shots, nya, I know that well myself, nya~ xD
I am terrible at managing my time, though, nya, so don't expect me to read soon, nya~ orz Eventually, I promise~ If I take a super-long time, note me~ xP
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't worry, I understand the trouble with getting time. I'm patient.
Reply
:iconmemberofmadness:
MemberofMadness Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Student Writer
This sounds really interesting... Personally, I'm not a ton into the angel-demon type of fantasy, but it seems like a pretty orignal idea from what I have heard of and read. I like it that he's on the demon's side, I think it's awesome that it'll be like from a supposed 'villians' point of view.
The whole mission to uncover the truth is the only thing I'd really work to jazz up. It's kind of a common topic, but I have full faith that you'll make it totally unexpected. =) Everything else looks good! Keep writing!
Reply
:iconamayaells:
AmayaElls Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well the thing is, though this uses the names 'Angels' and 'Demons' its not in any way biblical, they are merely fantasy races. The demons bore heavy resemblance to what we might call demons so I called them that, so it made sense for their enemies to be called angels.

And yes, the mission to uncover the truth is a common one, but their are a few twists in there to spice it up.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconamayaells: More from AmayaElls


Featured in Collections

literature by EiraCandles

Journal by nicetsukichi


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
March 6, 2012
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
731
Favourites
12 (who?)
Comments
44
×